Words Unspoken
by mscatmoon
Summary: Post Mirror Image. Al wonders if they'll ever find Sam again, and shares a secret with Beth.


"Al? Honey? Earth to Al..."

The light tap on his shoulder snapped Al back to reality. With a start, he jerked upright in his chair and swiveled his head around. "Beth? Sorry, I was...daydreaming, I guess." He shook his head to clear it, glancing around the study. It was the same as it always had been. The rich mahogany antique desk, three wooden file cabinets side by side, a wall of bookshelves, packed and reaching up to the ceiling, even the gingham curtains Beth had made especially for him were hanging on the windows. _Gingham? _"A real weird one," Al added. In his dream, the whole room had been...different. And Beth hadn't been there.

"I'm not surprised." Beth came around behind his chair and began massaging his taut shoulders. Hands kneaded with the ease borne of long practice. "You didn't get hardly any sleep again last night."

"Beth," Al warned, even though there had been no reproach in his wife's voice, only calm observation. "It can't be helped."

"Are you any closer to finding him?" she asked in a subdued and sympathetic voice.

Al sighed, rubbing his face with his hands and glancing at the picture frame on the desk, a smiling Sam, in better days. "We could be minutes away...or months. There's no way to tell."

"You need to get some rest, darling. Verbena's worried about you. So am I."

"Yeah, she gave me the 'you won't be doing him any good if you collapse' speech yesterday. And you've been married to me long enough to know I can't give up until we find Sam."

Beth stopped her ministrations and stepped in front of her husband. "Do you want to postpone our anniversary party?"

The knowledge that she'd willingly do it, if he wished, filled Al with warmth. But also clear in the solemn eyes that watched him, was the disappointment she'd bear silently.

Al smiled in reassurance and pulled her onto his lap. "Of course not. I can't guarantee I won't be called away in the middle of the festivities, but if I am, it'll be good news."

"Good." Beth slipped her arms around his neck. "Because Lisa just called. Her finals are earlier than she thought, she'll be able to be here for the party after all. That makes all of them. Do you know when the last time all our daughters were together under this roof was?"

"It was too long ago, I don't remember." Al hugged Beth to him, enjoying her happiness. He was just as thrilled to be having his whole family together, but... "I just wish Sam could be there, too."

"I know." Beth ran her fingers through Al's short hair. "We all miss him. Remember when the girls were younger? They didn't know whether to think of Sam as an uncle, or a brother." She laughed at the pleasant memories.

Al picked up the picture frame on the table, it was the one of Sam and him cutting the ribbon on the project. "Yeah, he's no more than a big kid, sometimes. That's why I hate the thought of him out there, alone..."

"You found him once, you'll find him again. He'll be okay," Beth soothed, taking Al's free hand in her own.

"So what?!" Al suddenly felt a helpless anger fill him. He almost slammed the picture frame down as he placed it on the desk again. "He'll still be stranded out there."

"Someone will come up with retrieval."

Al stared at the desk, silent.

His wife knew him well. When she spoke again, he could tell by the tone of her voice that she'd picked up on his deeper distress. "Al? What's wrong?"

The stressful situation, lack of sleep, and worry were all combining to eat away at Al's silence like sulfuric acid. He could keep his secret no longer, needed to talk about it. "I probably should have told you a long time ago. There is no retrieval program."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, strictly speaking, there is a retrieval program. It just won't work."

"I know that, dear," Beth said patiently, giving him an affectionately tolerant smile.

Al scowled back at her. "No, I'm not senile yet. Let's put it this way-the retrieval program can _not_ work."

"You need sleep," Beth pronounced.

Al sighed impatiently. "We know why it won't work, and it can't be fixed."

Beth's eyes widened in shock. "Why?" she breathed.

"If Ziggy's right...and five years of testing certainly increases the odds," Al added. "Remember, on Sam's very first leap, we tried to retrieve him, and it didn't work?" Beth nodded. "Ziggy said it was because Sam told someone who he really was, changed something. And that's it, plain and simple. In order for the retrieval to work, Sam couldn't do anything different from what Tom Stratton had done. If he hadn't been Swiss-cheesed...he'd be home now. The moment he altered the time stream, we lost control. Lost Sam." Al wiped at the moisture threatening to build in his eyes. Even with the sorrow, there was a sense of relief to be finally sharing his burden.

"But you said he was there to save Tom Stratton. And what about the other retrieval attempts?" Beth insisted.

Al sighed regretfully. "Of course Sam had to save Stratton-he was saving _himself_. As far as the other retrieval attempts go, we weren't going to give up without a fight. So Ziggy tried some bizarre things. They didn't work. And we stopped trying."

Beth stared at her husband, dawning realization bringing pain to her eyes. "What you're saying is, Sam's never coming home."

Al shook his head. "Not by the retrieval program. But there's still hope," he said, the litany he'd repeated to himself every day for the last five years. "Whoever-or Whatever's controlling him could send him home. He could come home on his own."

"Oh my god..." Beth whispered. "Does Donna know?" she asked abruptly.

"It's classified information, Beth. Only a handful of people know it. Donna has enough to deal with...so does Sam."

Beth buried her face in Al's neck. "I'm so sorry..."

"There's still hope." But there wasn't much in his voice.

"That's right, there is," Beth agreed in a strong tone. "And I can't believe that God would desert a man who's sacrificed so much for others. You'll find him."

Al held onto the body in his arms tightly, both for support, and in gratitude for her words of encouragement.

"You'll find him," Beth repeated quietly, kissing Al on the forehead.

Al glanced at his watch. "Speaking of...I told Gooshie I'd be back at eight to do another year search."

"I won't wait up," Beth told him, getting up from his lap. "Just take care of yourself, will you? For me?"

Al rose, putting his arms around her and kissing her lightly. "I'll do my best...how's that?"

"You have a pretty good track record," Beth agreed with a smile. "Good enough. I've got to go call Trudy, before it gets too late over there. She'll want to know what's going on with her sister. I'll see you later, darling."

Al grabbed Beth's hand as she started to leave, grinned and winked suggestively. "Wait up."

Beth squeezed his hand and winked back, then burst into the familiar giggles that erased years to make her the same young girl he'd married. She left without answering, but there was none necessary.

Al put his papers away and prepared to leave. He paused at the door, looking back at the desk. "God take care of you, Sam," he whispered, turning out the light. He stared into the darkness, toward the photo. "If He doesn't want _me_ to, He damn well better," Al added in a fierce voice.

Then he shut the door and went to work.

**the end**

12/17/93


End file.
